Lullabies of Mercy

Excerpt from Lullabies of Mercy:
Chapter Four: Man In The Mirror

I study every inch of the face of the man who stares back from my reflection. I forgot all about where I was going and began to wonder,
“Who is this man?” I softly whispered, “Who are you?” Is this me? Have I forgotten who I am? Is this the natural man or the spiritual man? Or is he just another SGL man who is afraid to let God love him?”  My eyes are wide open, afraid to blink for one second, afraid that I might miss some little detail of my life that might vanish before my eyes.

My eyes start to water because I have refused to blink. I will not, for one millisecond allow this image to be out of my sight. As my eyes continue to water, my vision becomes cloudy and my reflection slowly disappears, as if in a scene from a science fiction movie.

A few moments later, I hear a familiar voice behind me, maybe my own voice. It certainly sounds like me. I try to turn around in an attempt to face this man but I cannot. I glance back into the mirror at the reflection, and he is no longer standing. He is now kneeling in prayer to God in tears. I reach for this image in an attempt to comfort him. However, I cannot. I am trapped, trapped perhaps in the bondage that keeps me from turning away from myself.

Through my still cloudy vision, I see an image of myself in a compromising act, seeking some temporary carnal pleasure. I cannot remember the circumstances that compelled me to try to soothe the empty space inside me. I do remember the hunger, the desire, the craving, the touch of a warm body next to mine, and the need to chase away this isolation, this loneliness, this ache, this emptiness, and this nothingness.

There he is again! The reflection once again is crying, kneeling down to God in prayer. I am trying to figure out what is going on here. I’m trying to understand why am I reliving these things that I thought I had left behind. Things I thought I had forgotten. Things that I thought were no longer a part of me. The next moment I’m in darkness and I am cold.

Slowly the light reveals itself, like a candle knocking down the walls of darkness. It shines all around and its warmth fills the room. It is reaching out to ease the pain and expose the fear. It is the Lord, Christ, the One who died for the sins of the world. The One who says He loves me. He is inviting me to come and rest my weary soul near His heart, to ease my pain in His comforting “Lullabies of Mercy.” I reach out to Him, but I am still stuck in this fear of feeling that I am not worthy. How can He love me? How can He love someone who is a homosexual? I turn away from the light, away from Christ, because when I sin, my heart tells me He will take His love away.

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